Taking a break from TTC

I have officially decided to take a break from TTC...for how long I don't know. I figured I need the break. To step off this roller coaster for a few months or so.

Of course I still want to be pregnant. But I need to feel normal again, not some kind of crazy person...always charting, testing, researching and obsessing. I just don't want to think about it every time I turn around. I have to be happy or learn how to be happy with the cards I've been dealt with. I hope with this break I will achieve that.

I'm the type of person that when I want something badly enough, I go after it and fight to get it. And I'm not known for being patient either. So my patience is beginning to wear thin, especially when some of my friends and co-workers falls pregnant almost straight away. Of course I am happy for them but I hate myself for feeling like failure. I just don't know how to just let it go. Who knew that TTC would be such an emotional journey and of course not falling pregnant makes it that much harder! 

Before TTCing, my cycle has always been a clockwork - 28 days cycle on the spot. Not a day early or late. Maybe its the stress but I need to get my cycle regulated and my sanity back.

No more temping, no more OPKs, no more obsessing...

Its been a couple of days since I stopped taking my temperature. What a feeling! Its like a burden has been lifted. Its so nice to take a break and focus on me and DH and not so much on getting pregnant.

Its still hard, because there is always the "what if" feeling. But I feel a lot more positive as I am not as "obsessed" as before.

I will still be around of course. There's still so much I want to share and write about so hang around =)

CD13

Sorry I haven't been signing in much. AF came after CD31 last cycle and I was too busy being paranoid that I might be suffering from a few things such as Endometriosis, ovary cysts, problem with disk alignment, nerve problem and more recently pre-menopause. 

Yeah...all very complicated. I guess I have been listening to too many ears and getting more worried and paranoid by the second. I will go through some of them in my later blogs.

Anyway its CD13 now. Chart is looking promising. Temp dropped a little yesterday so maybe a good change of O tomorrow? Though OPK still negative and was a ted lighter than yesterday's.

We started BD a couple of days ago as we really don't want to miss the egg.

My supplements at the moment are Maca, Elevit, Calcium, Fish Oil and Evening Primrose Oil. Hubby on the other hand is taking Menevit, Maca, Calcium, Fish Oil, L-AC and Vit C. We also have been eating very healthily and try to eat only organic food and vege.

I am not hoping for much this cycle and decided that we should be taking things easy. I hope hubby is feeling the same.

Why Not Me?

I was talking to my father a few days ago about my obsession with TTC. His advice? Take it easy, don’t be weird and what is meant to be is meant to be. He said that maybe John and I are just not destined to have kids and that life doesgo on.

I agreed. I didn’t want to be one of those women who spent years and thousandsof dollars trying to conceive. It takes a toll on us. It makes us resentful, depressed and miserable.

But what I told my father was – Its one thing to NOT WANTING kids..but its something else when we CANT HAVE kids.

Its funny. 

If you think about it – our bodies failed us. And that is extremely hard to accept. Many of us compound that failure by torturing ourselves with thoughts that maybe, just maybe we managed to contribute to our conception failure by our actions or thoughts. 

Smoking? Alcohol? Drugs? Caffeine? How about that hiking trip at Switzerland? Did waxing or manicure so often played a role? Should we have not used the hot tub? Maybe I need to lose a few pounds? Or is it my over demanding job that took over my life? Did I actually spent my entire life working and chasing after wealth and now its too late? Maybe its stress and I need to relaxmore?

The what ifs are endless.

These thoughts and more came flooding back into my mind this morning as Isat trapped in the bus directly across from a women who kept stoking her very pregnant belly throughout the entire bus ride. Her action tormented me. It tookan incredible effort not to scream “Why her and not me? I looked so much healthier than her, definitely younger than her – so WHY HER AND NOT ME??”

When the bus stopped at my stop, I rushed out feeling ashamed because instead of feeling happy for her, I was angry and envious.

Just by participating in TTC forums, I came to realise that women who have been TTCing and are not having success are obviously dealing with some very real emotional pain. Heck, I have only been trying for a month and here I amgoing absolutely INSANE.

Infertility, whatever the cause is not something that is easy to come toterms with. To me and I’m sure to the rest of the women who have been TTCing, itfeels like the rest of world is taking advantage.

The Beginning Of My Journey

A bit about myself. I am 30. Very hard to admit that as I still feel like i'm in my 20s. When I was younger I envisaged not ever having kids and to be the next Managing Director of BAT living in a beautiful penthouse in central NYC. LOL - A girl got to dream :P

When I got married, we decided that kids are secondary and we should concentrate on our careers and to live a great life, to travel the world, be free and childish forever.

Now, 6 years later, I no longer wanted to be childish and immaure. My dreams and expectations now are a little different. I realised that I wanted a baby. OUR baby.

I was sure it would happen within our first trial and being a control freak, I spent hours on the internet trying to learn about fertility signs and symptoms. More than anything else I wanted to learn how to optimise our chances of conceiving...well straight away. I was even so arrogant enough to think that we could choose the sex of our baby. Sigh.

My husband, John is loving, caring and supportive. He understands and supports my wishes. After 6 years, our relationship keeps getting better and better. I love him so much and I all I think about is having our baby, having a family of our own. I ache to see him with our baby. I ache to see this tiny beautiful product of our love - looking and being a little bit like me and a little bit like him. It makes me smile just to think about it. :)