I lost something this week

So based on 28 days, I was 7 days late on my last cycle. I guess it was wrong to count based on 28 days since I haven't been on 28 days for months. But my cycle went on for 34 days!

Anyway last Saturday, which was CD33 I decided to test. It was in the afternoon and DH and I just got back from our anniversary lunch date and I thought why not. I wasn't expecting a BFP so when a line came up I was beside myself.

The line was faint but heck a line is a line right? I thought I was imagining it so I decided to do another one and another faint line came up. I just felt sureal like we have finally done it.

So I thought I would test the next day with a FRER..and another light line! I was expecting the line to get darker but it was still very light. Even then, I was hopeful.

The next morning, I tested again and nothing..NO LINE! How can that be?? I was so confused, how can it be a positive and then negative? This is like the worst ever.

I doubt they were evaps - they weren't grey lines but pink ones. Also I tested on a few different sticks and they can't all be evaps! Anyway I always thought the evaps line will disappear once they dry but the lines didn't go away!

I was getting anxious and nervous that its a chemical pregnancy and that there's something wrong with me. We just haven't been lucky. I told myself that I would not test anymore and wait for a few more days to test..or if AF arrives. 

Then in the afternoon I noticed a few drop of light brown spotting. I mentioned it to a few girls at the TTC group and they all advised me to see the doctor. So I booked myself in to see Dr.Vesna and did a blood test.  

AF came the next day. Obviously blood test was negative. I'm not pregnant. 

I know this happens alot, that it is completely normal and says nothing about my ability to become and pregnant in the future. But I was devastated. I cried for hours...

I know its silly for me feeling sad. It was too early. It wasn't a baby yet. It was just a tiny clump of cells. But its mine. I was shocked to discover the distinct bitterness of loss in my heart.

I was mourning the immense possibility that was wrapped up inside those cells.

Also, I am feeling a little bit guilty. Like, if I'd taken more precautions on what I are, or taken better care of myself, I might be writting a much different post right now. I know this is ridiculous. Yet still I find these things hiding out in my heart.

I am still sad. I lost something that I loved this week but I have hopeful eyes set on the horizon. 

All About Temping

When I decided to take a break, the first thing I threw out was my BBT Temperature. When its time for Ovulation this month, I honestly have no idea when exactly I ovulated. Tested OPKs only for a couple of days from CD15 and CD19 and OPK was positive on CD18. Also CM was extremely egg white/fertile from CD13 all the way till CD18. Which was weird...so I'm thinking that I might have O'd on CD18..which is strange? Very late ovulation for me...

I am a little concern that incident from my first month of trying has kinda mucked up my cycle. My cycle has never been the same after that. 

Anyway, I think I should start temping again just to keep track on whats happening to my cycle. But I will try not to over do it and only temp when I wake up.

So thought I should share some information re. temping and BBT chart.

Whats a coverline on BBT chart.

A horizontal coverline can be automatically drawn on your BBT chart based on the cycle day you indicate you ovulated. It's drawn as follows:

• The BBT temperatures for the 6 days prior to ovulation are read for this cycle. Five of the six days must have temps recorded; one discard (or non-recorded temp) is allowed
• The coverline is drawn 0.05 celsius of a degree above the highest temp.

This coverline is useful to easily see your pre and post ovulatory temperatures. In a typical biphasis (2 phased) BBT chart, temps are lower prior to ovulation and higher after ovulation.

Right before ovulation occurs the hormone estrogen is produced causing lower temps. Many women are able to see a dip in temp alerting them that peak time is near and ovulation is about to occur.  


Just remember that your temps can rise and fall multiple times before a dip making it difficult to know when the lowest point will be. It is important to also know that your lowest temperature is most likely NOT your peak day unless you are charting other indicators you may miss your most fertile time completely.

When did you Ovulate
Detecting ovulation by charting your temperatures can easily be seen after you have ovulated. A dip in temperature followed by a rise higher than all temps in the previous six days and staying at or beyond this level for at least 3 consecutive days showns that ovulation has occurred. Your coverline is usually drawn at this point. Remember - BDing has to take place BEFORE you ovulate to enhance your chances for conception. Charting your cervical fluid and position along with your temperatures will give you a much clearer picture as to when you are most likely ovulating and when your peak time is.  


What's Anovulatory Cycles
Anovulatory cycle means that no ovulation occurred during that particular cycle. This can be identified by charting your waking temperature. When viewing charted temperatures that appear to have peaks and valleys (many low and high temps) throughout the entire month with no clear separation of a rise in level of temps (rising from first phase/ pre-ovulation phase to second phase/ luteal phase) this is a good indication that ovulation did not occur. Of course many women still are able to conceive may have months with no ovulation but bear in mind that we only have 12 times a year to conceive so in my opinion any anovulatory cycles should be followed by seeking testing and / or treatment from ones OBGYN or a specialist.

What's DPO (Days Past Ovulation) on Chart
The DPO row is shown on the BBT chart if your ovulation is indicated. Days Past Ovulation is also referred to as your luteal phase is the number of days following ovulation up to the day before your next cycle starts. 

The increased temperatures are due to the hormone progesterone which is released from the corpus luetum which is the follicle that hold the egg. The temps will remain high for a period usually 12 to 16 days until they drop again (either the day before or the day of) when your cycle ends and menstrual period begins. If conception occurs temperatures will remain high during the entire pregnancy.


The day after ovulation is DPO 1, the second day after ovulation is DPO 2, etc.


Thriphasis Phase
Many women also experience a third phase called Triphasic Phase which are temperatures climbing to yet another level over the Luteal Phase high. This is due to the HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) hormone that is produced if conception has occurred and when implantation takes place.

Low Estrogen Levels
Estrogen is a hormone that is produced by the follicles that hold an egg. Estrogen plays a large part in the ability to conceive. It is the hormone needed for women to ovulate. It also plays a part as to the amount and quality of cervical mucus which is crucial for the sperm to travel up to the outer third part of the fallopian tubes for conception. An indication of low levels of estrogen would be nonovulatory cycle along with low amount or poor quality of cervical fluid.


Low Progesterone Levels
Progesterone is also an important hormone within our cycle. It comes from the corpus luteum. When an egg is released the follicle that held it collapses and becomes a yellowed bodied mass called the corpus luteum. The corpus luteum sticks to the ovarian wall and starts producing progesterone. Its life span is about 12 to 16 days. Progesterone insures that all maturing eggs (15-20 within a cycle) are not released, it thickens the uterine lining and causes the fertile signs - dip and temp, egg white cervical mucus and high cervical position to return to a non fertile state.

Low progesterone levels can be indicated by seeing temps close to on or below coverline after ovulation through the end of a cycle. Even if ovulation was achieved, low progesterone levels make it very difficult to obtain successful conception. Low progesterone levels can be treated by seeking help from an OBGYN or a specialist. Progesterone shots, pills and supponsitories are some of the ways Doctors may prescribe to increase this hormone.  

Indication of Possible Pregnancy
Ovulation day is not necessarily the same day month to month making the first phase of a cycle vary. The luteal phase (2nd phase after ovulation) usually is the same every month. After ovulation has occurred you can indicate a pregnancy by watching for the passing of your normal luteal phase. For example if you always have 13 days DPO and now its 16 DPO there is a very good chance you are pregnant! 18 DPO with high temps usually guarantee that you have conceived. Seeing that a sustained third phase (triphasic phase) will also put you on the red alert to a possible success. 

Indication of Possible Miscarriage
An astounding 1 out of 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Many early miscarriages happen so early that if not charting, one probably would never know it occurred. Sometimes it happens so early that it could be confused with a late period. Passing your normal luteal phase date combined with a third level of temps only to be followed with a steady decline or sudden drop in temp and bleeding may indicate a miscarriage has occurred. 


Don't Temp Alone!
Your waking body temperature is a great tool to use in fertility awareness. But temp readings are much better served with charted along with cervical fluid and cervical position. Using the three indicators together will give you a wonderful indication of when your most fertile and peak time is which wil greatly enhance your chances for conception. 


When you are most fertile, your cervical position is very high, your cervix gets so soft and the slit becomes open. Your cervical fluid becomes abundant, clear and stretchy consistency of egg whites. Honestly by using all those three indicators you will be amazed at the information you will gain about your cycle and what your own body can tell you about your own fertility.

Taking a break from TTC

I have officially decided to take a break from TTC...for how long I don't know. I figured I need the break. To step off this roller coaster for a few months or so.

Of course I still want to be pregnant. But I need to feel normal again, not some kind of crazy person...always charting, testing, researching and obsessing. I just don't want to think about it every time I turn around. I have to be happy or learn how to be happy with the cards I've been dealt with. I hope with this break I will achieve that.

I'm the type of person that when I want something badly enough, I go after it and fight to get it. And I'm not known for being patient either. So my patience is beginning to wear thin, especially when some of my friends and co-workers falls pregnant almost straight away. Of course I am happy for them but I hate myself for feeling like failure. I just don't know how to just let it go. Who knew that TTC would be such an emotional journey and of course not falling pregnant makes it that much harder! 

Before TTCing, my cycle has always been a clockwork - 28 days cycle on the spot. Not a day early or late. Maybe its the stress but I need to get my cycle regulated and my sanity back.

No more temping, no more OPKs, no more obsessing...

Its been a couple of days since I stopped taking my temperature. What a feeling! Its like a burden has been lifted. Its so nice to take a break and focus on me and DH and not so much on getting pregnant.

Its still hard, because there is always the "what if" feeling. But I feel a lot more positive as I am not as "obsessed" as before.

I will still be around of course. There's still so much I want to share and write about so hang around =)

CD1 and GUTTED

Another month gone. Temperature been dropping for 2 days and as expected AF came. I cant wait to go home from work to have a good cry.

AF was late this month and I have been getting weird cramps throughout. I got myself so hyped and am just gutted when things doesn't turn out as expected. Yes..I did this to myself again. I got my hopes up even though I told myself and everyone else that I just knew it was going to be negative.

Aunt Flow was due to arrive on Sunday. I don't understand what's going on with her. The last couples of months she has been a complete bitch. My cycle is now whacked! 

Damn for making me think that somehow God heard my prayers. Damn for making me believe that I have been rewarded for eating and looking after my health so much. Damn for making me believe that unloading all of the stress this TTC has put on me would actually result in a little bean. Damn for making my mascara run and giving me a massive headache that I can't get rid of.

I have decided to take a break. Glass half empty is my new motto.

 

Temperature dropped but no period

16DPO today, AF was due yesterday but nothing. Did a HPT test yesterday and yes was another BFN and temperature dropped all the way down today so I was expecting AF to show up but still nothing.

I don't feel pregnant nor would I know how it should feel like. The only difference I have been experiencing is cramping since 2DPO, backache, pimples and horrible mood swings! I have decided not to overthink my symptoms anymore, its just too stressful!

I am getting very bad menstrual cramps and I feel AF is on her way. I am afraid to test due to another disappointment. But if temperature goes back up again tomorrow, I will do another test.

I wasn't sleeping well last night too so maybe that could have messed with my BBT. I am trying not to give up hope totally that maybe, just maybe it could be possible. Although all o the stories and articles I have read online, temp should stay up if in fact I am pregnant.

So here's to tomorrow FX.