Taking a break from TTC

I have officially decided to take a break from TTC...for how long I don't know. I figured I need the break. To step off this roller coaster for a few months or so.

Of course I still want to be pregnant. But I need to feel normal again, not some kind of crazy person...always charting, testing, researching and obsessing. I just don't want to think about it every time I turn around. I have to be happy or learn how to be happy with the cards I've been dealt with. I hope with this break I will achieve that.

I'm the type of person that when I want something badly enough, I go after it and fight to get it. And I'm not known for being patient either. So my patience is beginning to wear thin, especially when some of my friends and co-workers falls pregnant almost straight away. Of course I am happy for them but I hate myself for feeling like failure. I just don't know how to just let it go. Who knew that TTC would be such an emotional journey and of course not falling pregnant makes it that much harder! 

Before TTCing, my cycle has always been a clockwork - 28 days cycle on the spot. Not a day early or late. Maybe its the stress but I need to get my cycle regulated and my sanity back.

No more temping, no more OPKs, no more obsessing...

Its been a couple of days since I stopped taking my temperature. What a feeling! Its like a burden has been lifted. Its so nice to take a break and focus on me and DH and not so much on getting pregnant.

Its still hard, because there is always the "what if" feeling. But I feel a lot more positive as I am not as "obsessed" as before.

I will still be around of course. There's still so much I want to share and write about so hang around =)

CD1 and GUTTED

Another month gone. Temperature been dropping for 2 days and as expected AF came. I cant wait to go home from work to have a good cry.

AF was late this month and I have been getting weird cramps throughout. I got myself so hyped and am just gutted when things doesn't turn out as expected. Yes..I did this to myself again. I got my hopes up even though I told myself and everyone else that I just knew it was going to be negative.

Aunt Flow was due to arrive on Sunday. I don't understand what's going on with her. The last couples of months she has been a complete bitch. My cycle is now whacked! 

Damn for making me think that somehow God heard my prayers. Damn for making me believe that I have been rewarded for eating and looking after my health so much. Damn for making me believe that unloading all of the stress this TTC has put on me would actually result in a little bean. Damn for making my mascara run and giving me a massive headache that I can't get rid of.

I have decided to take a break. Glass half empty is my new motto.

 

Temperature dropped but no period

16DPO today, AF was due yesterday but nothing. Did a HPT test yesterday and yes was another BFN and temperature dropped all the way down today so I was expecting AF to show up but still nothing.

I don't feel pregnant nor would I know how it should feel like. The only difference I have been experiencing is cramping since 2DPO, backache, pimples and horrible mood swings! I have decided not to overthink my symptoms anymore, its just too stressful!

I am getting very bad menstrual cramps and I feel AF is on her way. I am afraid to test due to another disappointment. But if temperature goes back up again tomorrow, I will do another test.

I wasn't sleeping well last night too so maybe that could have messed with my BBT. I am trying not to give up hope totally that maybe, just maybe it could be possible. Although all o the stories and articles I have read online, temp should stay up if in fact I am pregnant.

So here's to tomorrow FX.

 

AMH Test

The naturopath that I was seeing commented that I might be pre-menopausing. Hmm? I am only 30! Needless to say, I freaked out after she told me and fired her on the spot. LOL. Even though I am convinced that was not the case, the thought that maybe, just maybe I might be menopausing scared the hell out of me.

A friend of mine suggested to go for an AMH test.

What is Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH)

"The AMH is a hormone produced by the granulosa cells of the early developing antral follicles." These are the immature eggs from their 'dormant' state and develop into mature eggs. As a woman runs out of eggs, the number of these small antral follicles decline in number and as a result the serum Anti-Mullerium hormone falls. This is why serum Anti-Mullerian hormone testing is a good estimate of residual egg number.

The test gives us some insight into the remaining quantity of eggs and number of fertile years you may have, but it doesnt provide the number of eggs you have left.

What is Ovarian Reserve

Ovarian reserve is the term used to describe the number of good quality eggs left within a woman's ovaries. "A woman is born with approximately 1 million eggs and over her reproductive life the egg numbers will decline as they are lost through natural attrition and ovulation. Only approximately 400 eggs are lost through the process of ovulation."

During a woman's reproductive years the number of eggs we have left continues to fall, and after the age of 35 it falls at an accelerated rate. By the time a woman hit menopause which occurs on average at the age of 51 for the average Australian women, there are less than 1000 eggs left. Actually they are less like eggs and more like ovarian dust. Obviously the more eggs there are left, the more likely a woman is, all things possible being equal, to conceive.

The AMH  test alone can be used as an initial screening test for ovarian reserve. Women with diminished ovarian reserve have diminished fertility and an increased risk of miscariage. It is important to identify these women early on so that they can make decision on when to start having a family and when to access assisted reproductive technology if required.

Who should have the test?

Women like me who are absolutely paranoid? :P

Women who have been trying to conceive for over 6 months and want to check.

 

But generally women under the age of 38 years who are considering delaying pregnancy for social/personal reasons are the best candidates for ovarian reserve testing. Women who are identified as having diminished ovarian reserve can then bring forward their plans for having children and boost their chances of success. 

Women older than 40 years are not ideal candidates for ovarian reserve testing as they will all have diminished ovarian reserve. Furthermore, irrespective of the results of the AMH test, it would be unwise to ever advocate a women of 40 years and older to delay pregnancy. 

Women who considering IVF or other fertility treatments, a low levels of AMH could indicate a potentially poor response to IVF. Conversely, a high level may indicate an exaggerated response to th IVF medication. 

The other group that is well suited to AMH testing is those who are at increased risk of diminished ovarian reserve. These would include women with a family history or ovarian failure, autoimmune disease, chemotherapy or previous surgery to the ovaries.

I am glad I did the test regardless. My results came back normal which is 20.6. Those of you who are concerned about menopause or are thinking in delaying motherhood, I would strongly recommend to have an AMH test. 

AMH levels fluctuate very little during the menstrual cycle and therefore can be taken at anytime during your menstrual cycle. Note that the AMH test is not covered by Medicare. Therefore, the cost of a single test is $65 in IVFAustralia. 

I had to get my GP to write me a referral to IVFAustralia for an AMH test. I did mine in their Sydney branch and the results were sent to my GP.

It is also important to remember that while this test can indicate how many eggs you have left, it can't tell the quality of those eggs. So as useful as the AMH test is for those like me who are seeking information about starting a family, its important to bear in mind that this test is but one component of what should be a complete and thorough fertility assessment.