I lost something this week

So based on 28 days, I was 7 days late on my last cycle. I guess it was wrong to count based on 28 days since I haven't been on 28 days for months. But my cycle went on for 34 days!

Anyway last Saturday, which was CD33 I decided to test. It was in the afternoon and DH and I just got back from our anniversary lunch date and I thought why not. I wasn't expecting a BFP so when a line came up I was beside myself.

The line was faint but heck a line is a line right? I thought I was imagining it so I decided to do another one and another faint line came up. I just felt sureal like we have finally done it.

So I thought I would test the next day with a FRER..and another light line! I was expecting the line to get darker but it was still very light. Even then, I was hopeful.

The next morning, I tested again and nothing..NO LINE! How can that be?? I was so confused, how can it be a positive and then negative? This is like the worst ever.

I doubt they were evaps - they weren't grey lines but pink ones. Also I tested on a few different sticks and they can't all be evaps! Anyway I always thought the evaps line will disappear once they dry but the lines didn't go away!

I was getting anxious and nervous that its a chemical pregnancy and that there's something wrong with me. We just haven't been lucky. I told myself that I would not test anymore and wait for a few more days to test..or if AF arrives. 

Then in the afternoon I noticed a few drop of light brown spotting. I mentioned it to a few girls at the TTC group and they all advised me to see the doctor. So I booked myself in to see Dr.Vesna and did a blood test.  

AF came the next day. Obviously blood test was negative. I'm not pregnant. 

I know this happens alot, that it is completely normal and says nothing about my ability to become and pregnant in the future. But I was devastated. I cried for hours...

I know its silly for me feeling sad. It was too early. It wasn't a baby yet. It was just a tiny clump of cells. But its mine. I was shocked to discover the distinct bitterness of loss in my heart.

I was mourning the immense possibility that was wrapped up inside those cells.

Also, I am feeling a little bit guilty. Like, if I'd taken more precautions on what I are, or taken better care of myself, I might be writting a much different post right now. I know this is ridiculous. Yet still I find these things hiding out in my heart.

I am still sad. I lost something that I loved this week but I have hopeful eyes set on the horizon.