Why Not Me?

I was talking to my father a few days ago about my obsession with TTC. His advice? Take it easy, don’t be weird and what is meant to be is meant to be. He said that maybe John and I are just not destined to have kids and that life doesgo on.

I agreed. I didn’t want to be one of those women who spent years and thousandsof dollars trying to conceive. It takes a toll on us. It makes us resentful, depressed and miserable.

But what I told my father was – Its one thing to NOT WANTING kids..but its something else when we CANT HAVE kids.

Its funny. 

If you think about it – our bodies failed us. And that is extremely hard to accept. Many of us compound that failure by torturing ourselves with thoughts that maybe, just maybe we managed to contribute to our conception failure by our actions or thoughts. 

Smoking? Alcohol? Drugs? Caffeine? How about that hiking trip at Switzerland? Did waxing or manicure so often played a role? Should we have not used the hot tub? Maybe I need to lose a few pounds? Or is it my over demanding job that took over my life? Did I actually spent my entire life working and chasing after wealth and now its too late? Maybe its stress and I need to relaxmore?

The what ifs are endless.

These thoughts and more came flooding back into my mind this morning as Isat trapped in the bus directly across from a women who kept stoking her very pregnant belly throughout the entire bus ride. Her action tormented me. It tookan incredible effort not to scream “Why her and not me? I looked so much healthier than her, definitely younger than her – so WHY HER AND NOT ME??”

When the bus stopped at my stop, I rushed out feeling ashamed because instead of feeling happy for her, I was angry and envious.

Just by participating in TTC forums, I came to realise that women who have been TTCing and are not having success are obviously dealing with some very real emotional pain. Heck, I have only been trying for a month and here I amgoing absolutely INSANE.

Infertility, whatever the cause is not something that is easy to come toterms with. To me and I’m sure to the rest of the women who have been TTCing, itfeels like the rest of world is taking advantage.